Examining my feelings and thoughts about Christmas this year
This year, I deliberately set out to give myself some time to assess my feelings about Christmas–what it means to me, why it means that to me, how it might be slightly different in 2025 than in 2024 or 2023 or 2022. That’s one of the reasons I’m sitting in a hotel room in Key West, typing this post on my laptop. I’ve actually started writing it in my mind at least a half-dozen times prior to this moment, but I knew I wouldn’t know exactly what I wanted to say until I just started typing.
This document was somewhat prompted by the fact that there are a number of relatively-new people at work who did not expect me–I’m not known for my warmth and compassion and congeniality–to dress festively and be a bit silly at this time of year. But I have been making a point over the last few years of actively finding novelty garments to wear in an effort both to somewhat mock my own misanthropic aspect and to express some genuine conviviality about this holiday season. The curiosity of others prompted some introspection on this topic, so it might be best to start at the beginning.
It’s mostly Mom’s fault. I’m not sure whether she would be happy or sad about that now, but it’s true. When I was a kid, she would bring us these huge books full of puzzles, games, and stories about Christmas. I spent hours reading and writing in them. Books were a huge part of my world when I was growing up. Of course, my Christmas narratives were the secular holiday traditions of American culture–Frosty, Rudolph, Santa, elves, the proverbial (not literal) North Pole, and all of those particular fantastical notions–not the Christian narrative of death and rebirth, sin and forgiveness. Each tradition has its own, shall we say, less-than-strictly-realistic elements. It was from Frosty and Santa, though, that I, as a young boy, first became acquainted with the notion of Christmas magic, and while I’m not sure whether I ever believed in the Santa story or when I might have stopped, I have never stopped believing in Christmas magic.
It has been my experience over my 50 years of moving through this world that Christmas evokes feelings of magnanimity and wonder and joy in people of all kinds. Humans are just a bit better to each other at this time of year. Why? I’ll call it Christmas magic. Maybe those who suggest that we should be better to each other all of the time have a point, but I’ve long believed that the perfect should not be the enemy of the good. And Christmas is good.
And it is hard. The wife who loved me more than anyone else ever could is gone. She was ripped away from me so suddenly that it sometimes feels as though the life we shared together belonged to someone else. Next year, in 2026, I will celebrate what should have been our 25th anniversary. I will do something that I think she would have wanted to do, as I have done every year since her demise.
And it may be that the answer to the question of why I celebrate Christmas, decorating my office with LEGO sets and festive lights and signs, is as simple as that.
Because Angie and I shared this belief in Christmas magic. I bought her some pretty terrible presents the last Christmas we shared together–but I was trying. And one year when she didn’t have money for a present for me, she wrote me a poem that hangs on our wall to this day–and it’s the best Christmas present I have ever received from anyone. This was our favorite Christmas movie (https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1327788/). It’s not a classic. It’s a sappy, somewhat paint-by-numbers Hallmark romance, and I love everything about it.
And the surprising thing to me has been that it has been a little easier this year to honor her and the memory of us by keeping Christmas in my heart. Some wounds never heal and some scars never fade, and maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Nevertheless, I believe that if I knew her at all I know that she would approve of my small efforts to spread a little Christmas cheer during this holiday season.














