Mid-term stupidity

They say you get the government you vote for. Or maybe the government that Americans for Prosperity pays for. I’m not quite sure how anyone can tell the difference at this point.

Well, congratulations, America. You put a Republican majority in the Senate, giving the Party of No and Fearmongering control of both houses of our bicameral legislature. In case you’ve somehow forgotten, this is what you’ve given a thumbs-up to:

1) More eboli scare-tactics (No, I’m not making “eboli” up; look up Darell Issa.)

2) More “we have to get them over there before they get us over here” scare-tactics pertaining to ISIS in Syria and Iraq (and, yes, in case you’re wondering, that means more pushing by chickenhawks to start a new ground offensive in the Middle East)

3) More meaningless attempts to repeal the Affordable Care Act by the same people who brought you lies about “death panels” and skyrocketing premiums

4) More rejection of basing public policy and education on sound, well-supported science like global anthropogenic climate change and biological evolution

5) More promotion of policies based on trickle-down economics bullshit that was discredited 30 years ago when Reagan was pushing it

Here’s the government that you’ve abandoned all pretense of giving a shit about:

1) Prioritizing repairs of America’s aging transportation and utility infrastructures

2) Using #1 as a platform for promoting the growth of high-paying manufacturing, construction, and engineering jobs as opposed to seeing consistent growth of low-wage jobs in the service sector and calling that good economic news

3) Promoting sensible economic reforms to protect and preserve our natural resources

4) Reducing the burden of student loan debt, which is presently a significant drag on our economy and will be even more so in the future

On a local level, Louisiana has once again done a bang-up job of making itself look ridiculous. As a result of today’s Hunger Games, we now have this to look forward to:

1) More constitutionally-protected pieces of the budgetary pie, making hard decisions about fiscal matters even harder and likely to fall on the few chunks that lack constitutional protection (bits of health care and education, mostly)

2) Yet another race between Edwin Edwards and Generic Republican No. 37, in which many Louisianans will probably vote for Edwards because the alternative is another “toe-the-party-line” GOP congressman

3) A failed opportunity to start on the road to creating a financial infrastructure to aid local governments in paying for maintenance and repairs to our actual infrastructure

4) An extra inducement for legislators to create endless tax breaks and loopholes for corporations and special interests, aka more trickle-down BS

So, well done, electorate. Pat yourselves on the back and prepare for two more years of nonsense and non sequiturs.

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Future assassins laud the failure of the Manchin-Toomey amendment

In a move that delighted a certain segment of the U.S. populace, Senate Republicans voted Wednesday to defeat the Manchin-Toomey amendment, signaling that significant obstacles lie ahead for any new and significant gun control legislation in the wake of the Newtown, CT school shootings last year. Only four Republicans voted with the majority, which fails to meet the 60-vote threshold required to defeat an inevitable Republican filibuster of the measure.

While families of the victims of mass shootings were understandably disappointed, others were ecstatic. Timothy Leeds, a 22-year-old construction worker in Colorado Springs, CO., who had just started to scout local day-care centers as potential targets, said he couldn’t be happier. “Even though I spent some time in Buena Vista [Correctional Facility], I know a couple of junkies who’ll do anything for money,” he smiled. “This will make it so much easier for me to get my hands on the right gun and enough ammo to really make my mark in the world. I’ll show those kids in high school who said I was a f@#$ing tool!”

Others, like Gary Soto of Little Rock, AR,  were excited about the inaction on reducing the size of legally-available ammunition clips. Soto said he had been concerned that someone might have a chance to stop his planned attack on the Judge Isaac C. Parker Federal Building while he was reloading his Bushmaster. “Hold on,” he added, “I’m just getting an update on the president’s movements from the Ancient One.”

Wednesday’s action coincided with new NRA-drafted legislation sponsored by Ted Cruz of Texas that would make it illegal not to carry a loaded firearm in schools, day care centers, churches, and hospitals. Dustin Johnson, 15, of Blakely, GA, was pleased with this turn of events. He said that school administrators were afraid to expel him in the wake of yesterday’s events, despite his numerous threats of violence against school officials and fellow students. “I will be the best school shooter!” Johnson cackled.

As gun-control advocates try to regroup, Chuck Grassley of Iowa warned that prospects for any significant changes to gun regulations were bleak. “There is simply no way to ensure that fewer people are maimed or killed by guns than by putting more guns in the hands of honest, law-abiding citizens, who will then be able to prevent crimes before they happen by slaughtering. . .,um, by righteously defending others,” Grassley said in a press release.

Asshole of the Week for February 25: Senator Ted Cruz from the “great” state of Texas

Yes, Ted Cruz, darling of Texas conservatives, is the latest recipient of the coveted Asshole of the Week award. Why does he deserve this honor, you ask, when so many superlative candidates are striving for it? Well, let me count the reasons in a Dave Letterman-style reverse countdown:

3) Cruz sees communists everywhere. Yes, communists but not ordinary communists–the capital-C variety. It’s true that this decade resembles the 1980’s in most everything except the threat of impending nuclear holocaust, but Senator Cruz brings back an oldie but goodie from that era–the Red Scare. I mean, we were all terrified of the Evil Empire in those days, right (those of us who weren’t more terrified of Madonna, Vans, and parachute pants)? Don’t worry, Ted’s here to root out those pesky Commies threatening to undermine and–ultimately–gain control of the federal government.

2) Cruz likes to insinuate bad things about people with no demonstrable proof. During Senate confirmation hearings that Republicans enjoyed dragging out for no apparent reason, Cruz questioned whether Chuck Hagel received fiscal compensation from North Korea. Here again Cruz demonstrates his aptitude for rooting out traitorous turncoats in our midst disguised as decorated war veterans and upstanding citizens.

And finally, the number one reason Cruz is bestowed with the Asshole of the Week award is . . .

1) Cruz hates children. I can’t really conceive of any other explanation for his unmitigated gall in bringing up nonsense about protecting “Second Amendment rights” after Neil Heslin sat in the hearing room, pathetically clutching an oversized portrait of his infant son and intermittently weeping as he explained how his son was murdered 20 minutes after Heslin dropped him off for school on that seemingly-ordinary day.

For the last bloody time, the Second Amendment doesn’t have a goddamn thing to do with Ted Cruz owning a personal stock of military-grade weapons and ammunition. It’s about states having militias. That’s it; go read the damn thing on the internet. I’ll wait.

Back? Good. Now even the pointy-headedst of liberals is not going to try to propose legislation that bans all guns or even makes it really hard to own any guns, even though, as I just pointed out, the Second Amendment really has nothing to do with personal firearm ownership and everything to do with states having well-regulated militias. However, the fact that Republicans keep bringing up this ridiculous slippery-slope argument against why we shouldn’t have sensible restrictions on firearms ownership only demonstrates how out-of-touch-with-reality these people are. You don’t need an M-16 or an AK-47 or a MAC-10 or an AR-15 to kill deer, shoot paper targets or cans, or defend your home and property. There are literally thousands of different kinds of guns that will remain legal under a new or renewed assault weapons ban that will allow you to do those things quite readily.

When reached for comment, Cruz  had this to say: “Warren is probably a pinko Commie faggot.”