Future assassins laud the failure of the Manchin-Toomey amendment

In a move that delighted a certain segment of the U.S. populace, Senate Republicans voted Wednesday to defeat the Manchin-Toomey amendment, signaling that significant obstacles lie ahead for any new and significant gun control legislation in the wake of the Newtown, CT school shootings last year. Only four Republicans voted with the majority, which fails to meet the 60-vote threshold required to defeat an inevitable Republican filibuster of the measure.

While families of the victims of mass shootings were understandably disappointed, others were ecstatic. Timothy Leeds, a 22-year-old construction worker in Colorado Springs, CO., who had just started to scout local day-care centers as potential targets, said he couldn’t be happier. “Even though I spent some time in Buena Vista [Correctional Facility], I know a couple of junkies who’ll do anything for money,” he smiled. “This will make it so much easier for me to get my hands on the right gun and enough ammo to really make my mark in the world. I’ll show those kids in high school who said I was a f@#$ing tool!”

Others, like Gary Soto of Little Rock, AR,  were excited about the inaction on reducing the size of legally-available ammunition clips. Soto said he had been concerned that someone might have a chance to stop his planned attack on the Judge Isaac C. Parker Federal Building while he was reloading his Bushmaster. “Hold on,” he added, “I’m just getting an update on the president’s movements from the Ancient One.”

Wednesday’s action coincided with new NRA-drafted legislation sponsored by Ted Cruz of Texas that would make it illegal not to carry a loaded firearm in schools, day care centers, churches, and hospitals. Dustin Johnson, 15, of Blakely, GA, was pleased with this turn of events. He said that school administrators were afraid to expel him in the wake of yesterday’s events, despite his numerous threats of violence against school officials and fellow students. “I will be the best school shooter!” Johnson cackled.

As gun-control advocates try to regroup, Chuck Grassley of Iowa warned that prospects for any significant changes to gun regulations were bleak. “There is simply no way to ensure that fewer people are maimed or killed by guns than by putting more guns in the hands of honest, law-abiding citizens, who will then be able to prevent crimes before they happen by slaughtering. . .,um, by righteously defending others,” Grassley said in a press release.

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