Yes, Ted Cruz, darling of Texas conservatives, is the latest recipient of the coveted Asshole of the Week award. Why does he deserve this honor, you ask, when so many superlative candidates are striving for it? Well, let me count the reasons in a Dave Letterman-style reverse countdown:
3) Cruz sees communists everywhere. Yes, communists but not ordinary communists–the capital-C variety. It’s true that this decade resembles the 1980’s in most everything except the threat of impending nuclear holocaust, but Senator Cruz brings back an oldie but goodie from that era–the Red Scare. I mean, we were all terrified of the Evil Empire in those days, right (those of us who weren’t more terrified of Madonna, Vans, and parachute pants)? Don’t worry, Ted’s here to root out those pesky Commies threatening to undermine and–ultimately–gain control of the federal government.
2) Cruz likes to insinuate bad things about people with no demonstrable proof. During Senate confirmation hearings that Republicans enjoyed dragging out for no apparent reason, Cruz questioned whether Chuck Hagel received fiscal compensation from North Korea. Here again Cruz demonstrates his aptitude for rooting out traitorous turncoats in our midst disguised as decorated war veterans and upstanding citizens.
And finally, the number one reason Cruz is bestowed with the Asshole of the Week award is . . .
1) Cruz hates children. I can’t really conceive of any other explanation for his unmitigated gall in bringing up nonsense about protecting “Second Amendment rights” after Neil Heslin sat in the hearing room, pathetically clutching an oversized portrait of his infant son and intermittently weeping as he explained how his son was murdered 20 minutes after Heslin dropped him off for school on that seemingly-ordinary day.
For the last bloody time, the Second Amendment doesn’t have a goddamn thing to do with Ted Cruz owning a personal stock of military-grade weapons and ammunition. It’s about states having militias. That’s it; go read the damn thing on the internet. I’ll wait.
Back? Good. Now even the pointy-headedst of liberals is not going to try to propose legislation that bans all guns or even makes it really hard to own any guns, even though, as I just pointed out, the Second Amendment really has nothing to do with personal firearm ownership and everything to do with states having well-regulated militias. However, the fact that Republicans keep bringing up this ridiculous slippery-slope argument against why we shouldn’t have sensible restrictions on firearms ownership only demonstrates how out-of-touch-with-reality these people are. You don’t need an M-16 or an AK-47 or a MAC-10 or an AR-15 to kill deer, shoot paper targets or cans, or defend your home and property. There are literally thousands of different kinds of guns that will remain legal under a new or renewed assault weapons ban that will allow you to do those things quite readily.
When reached for comment, Cruz had this to say: “Warren is probably a pinko Commie faggot.”